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I was on Threads the other day and saw something that unfortunately hit a little too close to home. Essentially it said that when someone does something weird to a Capricorn, they don't necessarily spiral, they self reflect on how they allowed themselves to be surrounded by the goofiness. Which sounds evolved until you realize it's a polite way of saying they'd rather audit their entire emotional infrastructure than admit someone got to them. While I am, overwhelmingly, a Taurus, my chart has heavy Capricorn placements centered unfortunately in communication style and emotional processing. That much earth in my chart is just as tortuous and erotic as it sounds. So recently when I matched with someone on a dating app and it didn't go the way I wanted, I did what any self-respecting Capricorn-heavy person would do — I said, now how the fuck did I allow myself here.
I was recently entertaining a baby gay. Her words, not mine. When I matched with her on a dating app I didn't know she identified that way. In all honesty I just found her attractive and really appreciated the callout to Vanderpump Rules on her dating profile. I love Vanderpump Rules, so much so that it's been a running conversation between my therapist and me. All I really want is a woman to make out with, beat the shit out of each other, and watch VPR afterwards. Although I will settle for other Bravo franchises.
When we matched we chatted, and then we did what all dykes do, we went on really long dates across multiple destinations. Yeah, unfortunately I'm someone that needs to have some level of conversation and connection established before we fuck. Like…I have to know you're literate and can have a sense of wit. And while it was clear she was coming in with her own stuff, that for me was a non issue, as I don't think being a baby gay is punishable by a lifetime sentence in horny jail. I find the label a bit silly, but who am I to say what matters to people. If they connect with that label, that's cool, and I'm an asshole. Either way I was coming into this with my own shit too.
I suppose I should mention I'm happily married, and have been with my partner for nine years. We're not polyamorous but we have our situation communicated and worked out. I love women, I worship women, and sometimes I just want a little femme on femme play. For me it makes me feel more connected to myself, my own identity as a femme, and honestly, powerful.
See, I've tried the multi partner thing before. It didn't work. Actually it was really bad. But that was over three years ago, a relationship that ran far too long, mostly due to the intensity of COVID. I felt this compelling intensity with her when actually there wasn't much there. Everything just felt magnified by the situation of the pandemic. Things ended badly, and the tldr is I've had a hard time since.
For a really long time I thought I had processed it. Our last conversation was bad, with her shaming some of my brat play moments. An identity that has been tremendously healing for me, weaponized to shame me. It felt like a rejection of me sexually but also as a person, and those two things are not easy to untangle.
And while I thought I had processed it and was ready to begin playing with others again, it's a whole different level of processing when you're actually doing the thing. I think there are multiple steps to it in hindsight. Add in some very big body changes, and I was in many ways coming in as my own version of a baby gay, for all intents and purposes.
Throughout our conversations, with the self described baby gay, I felt like I had to really ask her to flirt with me and compliment me. When I brought it up she said it didn't feel natural. I wrote it off as nerves, per her she found me intimidating, and she let me know that multiple times. And so perhaps her lack of vocal affection was that, or maybe it was the still very newness of women. Although I wasn't getting the level of affirmation I needed to feel good, I overlooked it, made an excuse, and told myself I was expecting far too much.
After a discussion a few days after hooking up we mutually agreed it wasn't a match. The level of communication being the issue. I needed more affirmation and that just wasn't compatible with where she was. Which is what it is.
Somewhere in the processing with my therapist and friends I had the unfortunate realization that I still have work to do, and that I really need to work on my sense of validation. Internally I was putting a lot of value in this person's opinion of my appearance. I just wanted to feel beautiful, and I had put that responsibility into someone else's hands. Not entirely, but more than I'm comfortable with. And the harder part was that this wasn't entirely new information. I knew this about myself. I just hadn't had to look directly at it in a while.
In a session I told my therapist I used to be so confident, I felt invincible. The last time I really dated or explored new partners I was 25, and like most 25 year olds had an unhinged level of confidence. But over time it's eroded, which is embarrassing, because I feel like the opposite is supposed to happen. In moments where I felt less comfortable with my appearance I'd rely on my career to feel attractive. I had a good job with a nice salary and comp package. When that changed after my first layoff it really shook my sense of confidence. Coincidentally my breakup with my other partner and my layoff happened within a month of each other. In all honesty my confidence has never really recovered since that moment — and so instead I've just been avoiding it. Avoiding the fact that I put so much of my sense of validation into external factors, my career, others' perception of my attractiveness, where I'm published.
I think the thing is that I feel some need to be valued by what I perceive as authority. Whether that be a coveted title at a recognizable company, being published in a prestigious outlet, or unfortunately, someone else. I want this validation from authority for a lot of different reasons, but at the core of it I think it's pretty simple. If authority validates me, then I'm valid. Then I'm good at what I do, and deserving of good things. Which is a really twisted take, but it is what it is.
See, the ironic thing is that I feel like I have all of these things that should be making me feel better about myself, things society has told me would make me feel better. But I don't feel that way. I'm in my 30s and in some ways I feel more insecure about how others perceive me than I ever have. Not in all the ways, I care way less about a lot of things, but I've created more points for criticism in myself than I maybe had before.
I feel way less confident with my appearance, my body, than I did in the past. I've lost a fairly large amount of weight, about 20% of my body weight, which I did for my health and I'm very happy I did. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I assumed the rest would follow. That feeling good physically would translate into feeling good about myself. It didn't really work out that way. I feel less sexy now than I did when I was larger, which is not something I expected to be writing. People in a lot of ways seem far more interested in me now, more vocal with their expression of desire, and that's been hard to sit with.
Losing weight just creates a different set of problems. They show up in really weird ways. Like I had all these thoughts about someone new seeing me naked for the first time. No one has seen me naked in this iteration of my body besides my long term partner, and since we're married they're legally obligated to find me the sexiest woman alive — that's what vows are, right. Such a moment of being like, oh, I have to think about these things now.
Aspects of my life are easier, like finding clothes. But emotionally it's been really hard. I see a huge change in how people treat me and it turns out it's really hard to witness. In some ways I feel like a more acceptable version of fat, and people are maybe more desiring of that. Which makes me feel like I'm regressing. I don't like that. And I don't like that because of it I felt this need to make excuses, when maybe in the past my standards were a little more lethal. I didn't account for this level of self doubt.
I think throughout this process I did the Capricorn thing. I started the introspective work of figuring out how I got here, why I need validation from authority, what kind of validation I actually want to give myself, how I give myself that, and how I get back to feeling way more confident. I don't know. I wish I knew and I don't love that. It frustrates me that I don't know. But I'm lucky enough that I get to try and figure it out. To figure yourself out is a blessing. Going through the world clueless seems like a punishment. So for now I'm sitting with my own thoughts, and watching Kristen Doute rip cigs in the SUR alley.
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