I really wish I was one of those people who felt empowered by sex work. But I’m not, and yeah the simple answer then is not to do it. But you know like, I don’t know how, and in some ways I don’t know how financially to separate the two. I thought I retired from sex work in 2021, and like I did—I stopped filming, stopped posting, kept my sites up as merely a fun money revenue, a way for me to spend an ungodly amount on fragrances and purses and travel. But when the red flags started becoming too loud to ignore in tech I went back, partially knowing it was likely something would happen, and having as much savings as I could would be better. Then I got laid off, and here I am. Back at it again. Less happy than ever before.
I’m not going to lie—I’m nearing a breaking point. I hope perhaps in some way putting this out into the world, if I decide to, will allow me to feel some kind of clarity, or that on some off chance someone will resonate, or just to feel less fraudulent. Because I’m feeling deeply fraudulent, and uncomfortable. I so deeply want to leave sex work in 2025, because it’s breaking me, it’s made me so unhappy. And between us, financially it isn’t worth the energy it consumes. I’m burnt. It doesn’t fill me the way writing does, or corporate does, in fact it’s the only part of me in which I don’t see a positive return on investment. The market is oversaturated and men are being fucking weird with their masculinity right now.
I can’t lie it also plays into all my other feelings, like I do fat fetish work, that often dabbles on feederism, something admittedly I am not into. I dissociate most of the time when I film, and in the hours after just feel very, not myself. And I’m not going to lie, part of that work has also played into my weird body dysmorphia, not knowing what I actually look like, because I have thousands of strangers on the internet all telling me different things, and then when I look at myself, I don’t see it, but in moments I do. It’s a fucking trip. And like I’m not saying this to be like poor me or whatever, and hopefully this doesn’t read as I see myself as a victim. Because I don’t. I’ve chosen, and still choose to film, but yeah, I have complicated feelings about a complicated thing. Imagine.
And in part, sex work has also gotten to this point where my desire feels so overwhelmed, I don’t feel desired, sexually, by the people I want. Like, I know there’s a lot of men who watch my stuff that desire me and fap to me, cool. But yeah for a really long time I got this idea that people desire me from validation on social media. So yeah, a lot of very sexual pictures. And like sexually I just don’t present that way anymore on the internet. I try to present as like a hottie with a brain. And so it’s not on the nose, also unfortunately for me most people don’t see a patent leather Mary Jane heel and say wow, sexy, erotic. Lame. Snooze. And so I’m left here feeling like why the fuck am I seeking this from the social media? I know it’s mostly to overcorrect for sex work, because I feel so at a deficit, I feel so, like a fucking ugly monster. And I want to be seen as hot and smart, but the internet is not made to hold those two things, it’s reductive and mind numbing. It’s needing to be handheld and have everything spelled out for you, from people’s feelings about whatever pop culture thing is happening to thirst trapping.
And the truth is, I know at the end of the day, getting that attention is not actually what I want. Because in the moments of it, when people have expressed desire… mhm, hum, with love, it doesn’t make me feel better. Rather deeply uncomfortable. And like yeah, I do have people that desire me IRL. Thankfully. And I do feel fulfilled in that department, but sex work in its current iteration is just warping that, warping my sense of desire, my appearance, my value. And with that, maybe this is the clearest wake-up call that I really do need to depart. For real. This feels much more permanent than last time. I don’t wanna be 40 and doing this, and tbh, I believe it’s an energy that’s blocking me from doing something more.
I’ve also got this other stuff on my brain, stuff that’s connected—even if not directly—to sex work. For now, it feels like the nucleus. The thing everything else is orbiting around.
Now listen—it’s no secret that I’m fat. Hello, I have eyes. And yeah, I’ve lost weight, by choice, after a slew of health issues that would be improved with weight loss. I lost 60 pounds, which for me is a lot, and yeah, I’m still working at it, and want to lose more—part for health, part for appearance.
I know how people in corporate situations look at me. I’m not stupid. I can’t begin to explain how differently I was treated when I was larger vs. now. I feel much more welcomed by peers in my industry. I work at the intersections of tech and marketing, two industries deeply reliant on appearance. Tech is really into their biohacking and optimization, seeing weight and health as a correlation to discipline. And marketing, well, that’s just very appearance-based. But at least it’s much more forward about it, and makes no qualms about not being that way.
And so yeah, in some ways I wanna lose weight to be more respected in corporate spaces, also in part for my health, in part to get stronger (I’ve come to really enjoy weight training and swimming), and in part because… I want to look different. Which yeah, the fat-positive internet is really going to hate that. And yes, I’m making a choice that you could argue I cannot divorce from mainstream beauty norms. Ok. Cool. I don’t exist in whatever weird internet echo chamber some people do. I navigate the physical realm, and I am trying to make my own choices that I feel aligned to in the moment.
I don’t think anyone needs or should make the same choices to be worthy or good. I just am existing. And for what it’s worth, I think social media has really flattened the concept of body autonomy, beauty standards, and fat theory.
Anyways, with that kind of body change, I am left honestly not really knowing what my body looks like. Like this is fucking embarrassing to admit, but I have no idea how I appear—especially when I don’t have control of the images, like taking professional photos for upcoming business endeavors. Like I don’t know who this person is, in part because I’m reconciling with the body I want, the body I have, and the body I had.
Now all this to say, I am aware this isn’t healthy. And yeah, I’m working through it with a medical professional and a therapist. And if you are someone who is experiencing something similar, perhaps it’s worthwhile to do the same.
And while my body is one part, so is how I present, so is my appearance. And listen, I’m not trying to sound annoying when I say this, but I’ve been working in social media for over a decade, which by industry standards is the senior end of the mid level. And try as I might, I haven’t been able to transition into a director or VP role in the last few years after rounds of layoffs and shrinking market budgets. And if I’m being honest, I think I’ve reached a point where people just don’t get me in corporate.
I’m not a typical person working in social media. I refuse to call myself a social media girly, chase virality, hop on trends, or make a fucking joke of myself. I think a lot of social media has been seen as a feminized career path, one that is honestly filled with a lot of white women who are… well, a bit narrow. And yes, I’m white and acknowledge my privilege. But even I don’t fit a lot of the social media mold. I’m fat, gothish, and talking about breaking down knowledge silos, and how to better track leads through social or how to utilize social media listening for product features. Not exactly most people’s idea of fun. And so I feel very much like an outsider. And I just… it’s getting really exhausting.
And so with that, I’m changing the way I navigate corporate, leaving a bit of it behind, and taking on another role that I’ve had to invest into, and somewhat change my appearance around. I have to carry myself a bit differently. And while I’ve been doing that professionally for a really long time, I feel this need to do it digitally. And I feel very uncomfortable, but I also know that discomfort is good, and necessary for any real change.
And lucky for me all of my feelings and wants contrast each other very differently. And no stars or cards are giving me the clarity I need…..or desire.
Now that I’ve embarrassed myself, and completely shattered whatever sense of illusion I wish to curate on the internet, I thank you for reading this. I’m going to go start a Succession rewatch to process what twisted shit I just wrote. See ya.
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