So You Wanna Explore Something New Sexually? Hot. Welcome to the Freaks Club.
Bringing up a kink or new sexual interest can be intimidating, especially if you’re not sure how it’ll land. Maybe it’s your partner of many years. Maybe it’s a new fling. Or someone you’re explicitly looking to explore with. From fisting to watersports to good old-fashioned swimming—and everything in between—whatever (or whoever) the case may be, getting started can be hard. There’s the fear of rejection, of judgment, or just plain misunderstanding.
But a little honesty and realness goes a long way. Here are some of my tips and best practices for having that conversation.
Say the thing.
That’s the point of the conversation, right? To be real about what you want.
It’s not always fair to pick and choose what you share just because it feels easier. Even if you don’t fully know why something turns you on or why you’re curious about it, you can still share what you do know.
Sometimes it helps to offer a few concrete examples—not visuals, just language that gives them a sense of what you mean. Frame it, don’t drop it in their lap.
Lead with want, not what’s missing.
Even if you’re feeling like something’s missing, that’s not always the best way to bring it up.
It’s okay to have needs. It’s okay to want more. But how you frame that matters—especially if you care about the person you’re talking to. Approaching the conversation from a place of want instead of lack keeps it centered on desire, not deficiency.
Saying, “I’d really like to explore this with you” lands differently than, “I haven’t been getting what I need.” One opens a door. The other can feel like a shutdown—even if you don’t mean it that way.
Everyone processes things differently. Everyone has their own pace. Being honest is important, but so is being kind. You’re not just trying to be heard—you’re trying to connect. And if you haven’t been getting what you need? Well, I’m afraid that’s a different article.
Know what you want… kinda.
You don’t need to have it all figured out. But you should have some idea.
It’s okay if you’re still sorting through it—most people are. But if you’re bringing something to a partner, take the time to sit with it first. What are you curious about? What part of it turns you on? Are there any hard limits?
You don’t need a plan, just some intention. Show that you’ve thought about it, even a little. And if you can, bring in some resources. Take as much of the initial lift off their plate as possible—it helps them engage with curiosity instead of overwhelm.
Read the room.
Listen, I love to blurt things out too—but time and place matters.
Think about the headspace you and your partner are in. Are they stressed? Distracted? Deep in some self-work? Maybe not the moment. And be honest about where your relationship is at, too. If things have been tense lately, this might not be the time to drop something big. This kind of conversation deserves some care.
Take the time—and give your relationship the love and compassion it deserves.
It’s not just about you.
You’re not the only one being vulnerable in this conversation.
Your partner might be surprised, confused, curious, nervous, turned on—or all of the above. That doesn’t mean they’re judging you. I mean, they might be. But that’s part of what you have to weigh: is suppressing this part of yourself really worth it?
You’re not just asking them to understand—you’re asking them to stretch. And sometimes, that takes time. People don’t always have the words or clarity right away. Give them the space to process without rushing to a conclusion.
Expect the Unexpected.
You might not get the reaction you want. That doesn’t mean you did something wrong.
I always suggest thinking through both ends of the spectrum: What’s your ideal outcome? What’s the worst-case? Prepare yourself for both. Get tactical with it—what helps you feel grounded after rejection? How do you regulate disappointment—or better yet, joy?
Go into the conversation with a level head. They might say yes. They might need time. They might not be into it at all. Try not to take it personally—this is about compatibility and comfort, not about your worth.
Don’t overanalyze it.
You said what you needed to say. That’s enough. Try not to spiral about how it landed or pick apart every silence or blink. If it felt awkward, that’s normal. If it didn’t end with a perfect resolution, that’s also normal. Sex is weird. That’s kinda the point.
At the end of the day, this isn’t just about a specific act or fantasy—it’s about the kind of relationship you’re building. In these conversations, it’s important to center your connection, no matter how long you’ve been together or how quick it may be. Be kind, be compassionate, be gracious—and maybe just a little flirty. And hey, for what it’s worth, if you’re into bratting, I’ve written about that [here]. Gotta plug myself somehow. But really, I hope you enjoy yourself. Life’s short. Be honest, be kind, and explore pleasure. Freak.
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